I was on the fringes of having a morbid conversation with a friend today. I asked him what was on his mind, and amongst the things he said one was “whether people would miss me if I died”. It’s remarkable how similar we are, at least in thought processes. I often think that. I am reassured by some of the things people say to me, to the point where I could even cry at the kind things people say. I wonder why though.

I want people to be proud of me. I want them to think it was worthwhile them knowing me. I’m wondering how I can do that. I am also thinking that I’m not doing such a good job at the moment. So why should people feel proud of me?

When it comes to specifics (though I’m afraid I’m going to be vague here!), there are certain people I want to be proud of me: the most important people. However, for one person at least but probably more, I seem to have taken the wrong direction. There are people who think it was a mistake of me to return to Newcastle Upon Tyne. Those same people possibly think I should have gone somewhere far away from Kent and far away from Newcastle. And possibly that I should not have gone to university at all.

You may wonder why I should know this. I don’t, to be honest. But there are some clues. The fact is that I have been given no support or reassurance that what I am doing is the right way. I have my reasons for doing things the way I do, but is that enough? Should I take heed of those that did not want me to do what I am doing?

It’s not just university. It’s work, too. I don’t understand why people want me to work in a shop. There’s nothing wrong with it, but why should I? I don’t need to do it for the money. The only thing I would gain from it is, possibly, friends. But I have plenty friends. I don’t have plenty money, but I have enough for my purpose. Everything else people gain from work I gain elsewhere. What I wanted from this summer placement I applied for is the experience in a setting that would be similar to the kind of job I would be doing once I graduate. To me, at least, that makes sense. The fact that the company did not find one for me is unfortunate, but I don’t think that means I should look for work at Sainsburys. It’s not what I need.

Ok, so the CV looks rather bare because I have never worked in a shop. Fine, then it’s my loss. But I can make up for that in other areas. And as I have mentioned, I can demonstrate those things that people supposedly gain by magic if they work for Tesco. I am trustworthy, hardworking, determined. I have leadership qualities, good ideas, communication skills. I don’t think that I needed to have worked at the corner shop to demonstrate those.